Mark Christensen Opens New Strip Club

IMPERIAL - State Senator Mark Christensen opened a strip club Tuesday in his hometown of Imperial, Nebraska, which he says will better serve the needs of his constituents.

Called "The Shooting Gallery," Christensen's club will only serve customers age 21 and over. Weapons are not only allowed in the club, they are mandatory.

"No one will be admitted without at least one handgun," Christensen said.

Some state senators criticized the move by Christensen, given his proposal in LB 443 to severely restrict the activities of "sexually oriented businesses."

Christensen defended his business, calling it a "gun club," although it was unclear if he meant it as a euphemism.

In related news, LB 443 was amended by Christensen to include Victoria's Secret, drug stores, and Hooters restaurants.

Argyrakis Wondering If You Can Loan Him $950

OMAHA - Attorney General candidate Van Argyrakis, who briefly ran for Mayor in 2009 before dropping out, kicked off his campaign last week with a question for voters.

"Can anyone loan me $950?," Argyrakis said in an e-mail message to supporters. "I'm not asking for me, it's for a friend of mine who really needs my help right now. See, he's trying to get this great job, but needs to pay an application fee of $950, and doesn't have the money right now. I'd help him, but I've got my campaign to worry about."

Area Democrats, who have never heard of this guy despite his presence in two previous runs for office, were puzzled at the move.

Barry Rubin, former executive director of the Nebraska Democratic Party, said he had talked to Argyrakis about holding a fundraiser for his "friend," and gave him some advice

"I said, 'You've got to get your friend a plan of action and raise some money,' and gave him a list of people who might be willing to help his friend. Although, to be honest, I just assumed he was trying to cover his friend's share of the rent."

Argyrakis says he's looking for ways to help his friend out, but that he only has until March 1 before the payment is due.

Democrats Recruit 1954 NBA Champion Lakers To Run For Governor

LINCOLN - After several potential candidates refused, the Nebraska Democrats may have finally found their candidate for Governor: the 1954 Minneapolis Lakers.

Despite the fact that the team's youngest player is 78, and several of the team's star players have been dead for years, State Chair Vic Covalt believes that the 1954 Lakers will connect with the elusive "swing" voter.

"We would have preferred one of the more recent championship teams, but the Lakers said yes, and we think they represent Nebraska Democrats very well," Covalt said.

When asked what about the team, which has long since left for Los Angeles, appeals to Nebraskans, Covalt said "I know a great number of people in Nebraska who wish it was still 1954."

Randy Adkins, a UNO professor who is often interviewed for stories like these because we need someone independent to verify our observations, was somewhat surprised at the news.

"I guess it makes some sense, they do bring their own connections and donor base, although I have to imagine that a lot of them are either dead or in Minnesota."

The Lakers have not yet agreed to run for governor, but will meet with Democratic Party officials soon to discuss the race.

"We're definitely interested," forward Jim Fritsche said, "but we need to know if we'll have the party's full resources at our disposal before we commit to a run."

Dave Heineman could not be reached for comment for this story.

Democrats Still Searching For Governor Candidate

'Charisma' of Heineman Cited as Major Concern

LINCOLN - State Democratic Party Chair Vic Covalt is calling the names of every registered Democrat in the state in order to find a suitable candidate for governor. But at this point, he'd just settle for any candidate.

"It's hard work, I must have called every Democrat in the state at least twice. That's about two thousand phone calls," Covalt exclaimed. Covalt's job became harder last week, when the incumbent filing deadline passed, shutting the door on any potential candidate who currently held public office.

One potential candidate for Governor, Douglas County Commissioner Mike Boyle, discussed the reasons why many Democrats were reluctant to get in a race with Heineman.

"Well, isn't it obvious? He's got that "it" factor," Boyle said. "He's easily the most charismatic Governor we've had since Bob Kerrey. He lights up the room."

One by one, potential candidates for Governor dropped off the map. Steve Lathrop bowed out when he found out state law prohibited him from offering free taxi rides home from the polls. 2006 nominee David Hahn became a "birther." And Heath Mello was really only kidding.

Still, Covalt is hopeful that a Democrat will step forward.

"After all, in this economic climate, with huge shortfalls, tea party activists, a shortsighted legislature, and a hostile electorate, who wouldn't want to be Governor?"